Short answer
There's no standard arrangement in the UK. Most separated families agree one between themselves, and the most common pattern is for children to live mainly with one parent and stay with the other every other weekend, often with a midweek visit and extra time in the school holidays. Equal week-about care is far less common. The right pattern depends on the children's ages, how far apart you live and your work, and it usually changes as the children grow.
What a typical arrangement looks like
In the UK, the arrangement for who the children live with and how much time they spend with each parent is called a child arrangement. Until 2014 the legal terms were "residence" and "contact", and many people still use them, which is why so many parents search for contact arrangements. The words matter less than the plan itself: where the children sleep each night, and when they move between homes.
Most families sort this out themselves. In the Department for Work and Pensions' Survey of Separated Parents, half of separated parents had arrangements for the children's care, and in 83% of those, the arrangements included overnight stays with the other parent.
Equal time is much rarer than people expect. A review of UK data by Tina Haux, Stephen McKay and Ruth Cain, Shared care after separation in the United Kingdom, put the share of families with a 50/50 arrangement at around 3%, depending on how it's measured.
The common patterns
Most arrangements are a version of one of these:
- Every other weekend. The children live mainly with one parent and spend alternate weekends, usually Friday after school to Sunday, with the other. My guide to how an every other weekend schedule works goes through it in detail.
- Every other weekend plus a midweek visit. The same, with tea after school or an overnight stay on one weekday, so the gap between visits is never more than a week.
- Extended weekends. The weekend runs from Friday to school on Monday morning, which adds a night and removes the Sunday handover.
- Week about. The children alternate whole weeks between homes, usually changing over on a Friday or at school on a Monday. It's a common way to share time equally.
- Shorter blocks. Some families with younger children use a "little but often" pattern, with more frequent, shorter stays.
Each of these can sit alongside a separate plan for the school holidays, which is where a lot of families make up time. To see what your own pattern comes to over a year, holidays included, try the parenting time calculator.
What shapes the choice
Cafcass, which advises the family courts in England, sets out the things to weigh in its guide to planning your child's time with both parents. Its main points are:
- The children's ages. Cafcass says young children suit a "little but often" routine, while older children can manage longer periods away.
- Distance. Parents who live ten minutes apart have far more options than parents an hour apart.
- Work. Both parents' hours and commitments, including shift work.
- The children's wishes and needs. Their hobbies and friends, and any additional needs they have.
Distance is the one that shaped ours most, which I'll come to.
Consistency is the most important thing for children. It helps them feel safe and know what's happening week to week.
George Pritchard
How we agreed ours
Their mum and I agreed our arrangement between the two of us. It took about a week of back-and-forth conversations before we had something that worked for everyone. The main thing we agreed on early was that it was best for the boys to stay mainly in one home, instead of moving back and forth a lot.
For the first six months after we separated I lived in the same city, and the pattern was every other weekend plus Thursday nights: I'd collect the boys after school on Thursday and take them to school on the Friday. We kept that for three or four years. During that time I remarried and moved about an hour away, and eventually the Thursday travel during the school week was making the boys tired, so we decided to drop it.
Today it's every other weekend, and I have the boys for extra time in half terms and the summer holidays. We've stuck to it for eight years now, and it has worked well for everyone involved.
Term time and school holidays
Cafcass suggests having separate routines for term time and holiday time for school-age children, and that's what most families end up with. The weekend pattern runs through term, and the holidays are split on their own terms.
That's where an every other weekend arrangement can give the second parent more time. In our case, I have the boys for extra time in half terms and over the summer.
Plan the holidays separately, and early.
Once the term dates are out, agree who has which half term and which weeks of the summer, and put them in the shared calendar straight away. It's far easier than negotiating each holiday as it comes.
Informal or written down?
Most arrangements in the UK are informal. In the DWP's survey, 56% of parents who gave or received help with the children's care had no agreement about it at all, and where there was one it was usually verbal, not written down.
Ours has always been an informal agreement, and it's held for eight years. That works when both parents stick to it. Even so, it helps to write the basics down somewhere you can both see them: the pattern and handover times, and who has which holidays. Cafcass has a free template called "Our Child's Plan" (it used to be the Parenting Plan), and its advice is to try a plan, review it and adjust it as you go, instead of worrying about getting it perfect.
If you can't agree, GOV.UK's guide to making child arrangements if you divorce or separate explains the next steps, starting with mediation. A court order is for when talking hasn't worked. This guide is general information, not legal advice.
What the children think
The boys have been happy with the arrangement, and they enjoy spending time with their stepbrother and stepsister when they're with us. The one thing they didn't enjoy, as they got older, was the long drive in the middle of the school week after I moved away.
Cafcass lists the children's wishes as one of the main things to weigh, and that matches what happened to us. We changed the plan because of how the boys were finding it, and the arrangement has been better for it.
Why consistency matters most
If I had to pick one thing, it would be consistency. Children feel safe when they know what's happening from one week to the next, and Cafcass makes the same point: children cope best with predictable, regular routines.
It's good for the parents too. Knowing the schedule is good for each parent's mental health, because you can plan your own life around it and you're not waiting to find out what's happening each week.
Good communication and being fair and nice to each other make a schedule that works for everyone far more likely.
George Pritchard
What I'd say to a parent working it out now
Everyone's life is different, and so are their schedules. Some parents work shifts, and that can make it tricky. What helps in every case is good communication and being fair and nice to each other, which makes it much more likely you'll agree a schedule that works for everyone. Then keep the communication going after you've agreed it.
Start with the children: where they'll be settled during the school week, and how much travel they can handle. Then build the time with the other parent around that, and expect to review it as they get older.
Whatever you agree, put it somewhere you both look. In Two Front Doors, you set your pattern once, with the handover times, and both homes see the same calendar.
Sources
- Department for Work and Pensions, Survey of Separated Parents (published 14 July 2022, fieldwork February to March 2021)
- Haux, McKay and Cain, Shared care after separation in the United Kingdom: limited data, limited practice?, Family Court Review 55(4) (2017)
- Cafcass, Planning your child's time with both parents after separation
- GOV.UK, Making child arrangements if you divorce or separate
